As we kick off the Roaring Twenties, 21st century-style, it’s only fitting that our conversations and screens have been jammed with people’s filtered reflections on how they spent the 2010s. What did we do? What did we learn? How should we use these experiences to shape our course for the next decade?
Or, if you’re like me, you spent winter break racing around back “home” (Seattle, WA) to see friends and family, stock up on local groceries, and fill up on as much holiday cheer as possible before racing back “home” (Delhi, India) for the kids to start school again.
Either way, it’s still January and not too late to make New Year’s resolutions — despite all the people already throwing in the towel on their new gym memberships! — after reflecting on the last year and, given that this year ends in a zero, the past decade. If you’re currently or formerly a trailing spouse, it’s time to celebrate all the challenges you surmounted, the opportunities you seized, and the connections you made! If you’re feeling nostalgic or just plain sad about your relocation, however, it may help to remember that we can never know what our lives would have been like otherwise. (Cue “Sliding Doors” on Amazon Prime Video.) If a photo is worth a thousand words, the side-by-side images you select to demonstrate your decade in review may speak further volumes.
In my case, my sad-eyed 6/15 Gupte Scale move from New York City to Seattle in 2009 meant giving up teaching journalism at Columbia University and reporting for The New York Times — but who’s to say either of those positions would have continued much longer, given the subsequent budget cuts and fluctuations of the U.S. economy and journalism industry? (I’ve lost count of how many incredibly talented colleagues have since proactively or reactively switched careers.) My husband and I had always planned to have two children, so it’s almost certain that we would have left our exciting Manhattan apartment for a sleepy suburban community like the one I reluctantly grew up in — resulting in a longer commute and other complications that would have made Seattle seem like the greener grass, after all.
Upon reflection, my past decade as a trailing spouse helped me develop the resilience and reinvention skills to succeed wherever the next one takes me. Here’s my top five list of achievements unlocked during the 2010s, which I would not have been able to do had I said “no” to our 2009 move to Seattle or our 2019 move to India.
Changing lanes. In 2009, I moved from the journalism capital of the world to a place that had just lost one of its two daily newspapers (RIP, Seattle Post-Intelligencer). Further complicating matters, my expertise was in religion reporting and breaking news; the Northwest is famously “unchurched” and we lacked nearby family or close friends who could be called up for spontaneous babysitting. After a few years of gritting my teeth and trying to make it work, I finally decided to switch tracks, starting with earning a certificate in Nonprofit Management from the University of Washington. I like to think that I’ve made a positive difference for the organizations I’ve worked with, which by extension means I’ve helped thousands of people around the world, ranging from low-income teens in Seattle to shunned schoolgirls in Nepal. In an ironic twist, this also made me uniquely qualified to helm the board of Religion News Service — which had once employed me as a journalist — through its evolving business model as a nonprofit news outlet. And now that I’ve landed in India? My combination of journalism and nonprofit sector expertise makes me highly marketable. Who knew?
Pursuing passions. Perhaps I would have been able to pick up one or two new hobbies, but my New York career path would have kept me far too busy (or not financially secure enough as a single-income household) to seriously develop skills in public speaking, photography, bartending and food handling, Spanish, Hindi, Indian history, and Bollywood dancing. (See also: competing on “Jeopardy!”) I even picked up my oboe again and joined the Seattle Symphonic Band; making music as a rusty amateur oboist in New York wasn’t even an option, given how many stellar professionals and semi-pros compete for a few chairs there! (Even if you play with the blood like Hailey.)
Giving back. When you find yourself in a strange new place with too much free time, a sinking sense of self-esteem, few local contacts and no clear path forward professionally, finding an engaging volunteer opportunity can be the answer to all of the above. During my first few years in the Pacific Northwest, I couldn’t help but notice how the region’s schools and after-school programs benefited from the abundance of highly educated, highly skilled volunteers (mostly women) who had emigrated to the region due to their partners’ (mostly husbands) jobs at Amazon, Boeing and Microsoft. In my case, moving to places with lower costs of living, combined with my husband’s rapid career advancement (aided by my willingness to serve as primary caregiver for our kids) resulted in my family being able to make larger annual donations to the causes we hold dear. Conveniently, as home to the leading Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and an innovative social impact scene, Seattle was also an excellent place to develop best practices for personal philanthropy and board service; India’s NGO scene now promises to teach me a lot about the promises and pitfalls of international development, too.
Expanding horizons. From Whistler, Canada to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, we visited so many places in the past decade, thanks to newfound proximity and friendships, that we never would have considered from the Northeast. We wouldn’t now be able to ski down black diamonds, speak confidently about Oregon and Washington wines, or have nearly as many cute photos with our kids with Disney characters. Just six months into our Delhi adventure, we’ve already gasped over the border-closing ceremony between India and Pakistan, held our breaths among tigers at Pench National Park, and explored centuries of breathtaking historical sites. I can only imagine what’s in store for 2020 and beyond!
Collective happiness. Like my family’s three generations of trailing spouses before me, my willingness to move has benefited everyone around me: my spouse, our children, our dog and even, at times, our extended families. Assuming a life that is more long than short — my grandmother is 103 , after all!— I’ve embraced the perspective that two or three relocations at the expense of my own career momentum or situational comfort level, but which make my loved ones significantly happier, is a net gain. Especially combined with a positive attitude and the experiences I’ve accumulated in the past 10 years.
Not too bad, all things considered! So, what do I resolve for 2020 and the years ahead? Some items on my bucket list have remained the same — visit Austria, Prince Edward Island, the Galapagos Islands — but I’ve added a few more things that are more specific to living in Asia (e.g., learning Hindi, visiting Angkor Wat) and a more mid-life view of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Otherwise, who knows? Will I finally write a book? Will our sweet kids become teenage terrors? Will our aging parents move in with us? Will my husband’s career take us to a completely unexpected destination? Anything could happen. But I’m confident that I’m ready for it — more ready than ever, thanks to all that I’ve learned in my decade as a trailing spouse.
How about you?
